I ended up seeing L on and off for about 2 and a half years. I guess when i first started seeing her it was mainly about mum and the impact it was having on me but as time progressed our sessions started becoming about me and my problems alone. It was around the time of the HSC and i was just losing the plot, i was so depressed, i was having panic attacks and it just got to the stage where i wanted to hurt myself. I had really struggled with the idea of going to my GP and getting some antidepressants but i had to as, counselling alone wasn't enough. Unfortunately i felt like they just weren't working. L introduced me to the concept of mindfulness, which is when you focus your attention on one thing and is when you just focus on the here and the now. I remember i always use to roll my eyes at her whenever she would mention mindfulness as i hated doing it. Anyway at that point in time, i had started to cut myself and started feeling suicidal. I think it got pretty bad that one of the teachers and my GP were communicating with L. I remember having to sign a few 24hr contracts to guarantee my safety, that i wasn't going to harm myself. I was always so scared that my family were going to find out as they had no idea what i was doing to myself. Also around this time, I started getting home care to help look after my physical needs. Let me say, it was the hardest thing cutting myself with the carers coming in and having to make up excuses as to why there were marks on my body.
It was a couple of weeks until the HSC and i was in such a bad place that the teachers gave me the option of just not doing it and coming back the following year and doing it again only, because i had my heart set on doing it well which is ironic considering my headspace at the time. We ended up applying for a misadventure. As my mum was still in hospital, my aunt gave me lots of support and i guess, took on the role of my 2nd mother. I remember she came with me to school before most of the exams, which was a massive help at that time, especially with mum in hospital. Anyway, i got through them all. I remember after i finished my last exam i went to visit a few of the teachers that supported me and can remember one teacher giving me the biggest smile and saying "you did it girl". Even though i was still feeling pretty crappy i felt a little proud of myself too.
